The Insane Adventures of Blacklord & Dragon Witch
by Invader Jill
Summary: The adventures of two crime-fighting heroes and their idiotic robots who do battle with the annoyances of the world under the reign of their lord and hamster master, JHONEN VASQUEZ!


Hello everyone! Well, here's some stuff you should know: #1: I have never claimed to own any of Jhonen Vasquez's characters. I do own Jhonen Vasquez, though. He is my little puppet, and when I pull his strings, I can bend him to my will and even make him dance to an annoying Nsync song!  
  
On another note, this story was not written in any seriousness at all. None. If you say my buddy Stephen (AKA Blacklord) is a shitty writer, know that this wasn't supposed to be a quality fanfic. It was written to be stupid, yet entertaining BECAUSE it's stupid. Now enjoy!  
  
  
  
Blacklord & Dragon Witch: The Beginning  
  
One mysteriously foggy and quiet day in Crapsville, located somewhere between Nowhere and Area 51, a dark and mystical being and a dangerously cool other being came out of a building. That building was a. a. a movie theatre! And the two beings were Stephen and Jill. Well there was Emily too, but she isn't important at this moment. What is important is Stephen and Jill, for you see, they both have mysteriously cool super powers! That and they have two idiotically awesome robots.  
  
Anyway, Stephen is also known as Dark Lord, a super cool hero that has the ability to blow things up with the flash of his hands. He can also fly and has telekinesis. Jill, also called Dragon Witch, has. well her name kinda says it all. She, for some odd reason, can either become a full dragon-like beast with some hot breath, really hot, or she can be a half dragon, half female being. Oh yeah, she also can be a normal looking ( I didn't say she was normal, neither am I) female. She can create fire and all sorts of fire-associated things. She can make some wicked cool wings appear which obviously enables flight capabilities. She is also practicing the art of majick ( that's the correct spelling, the ancient type). She can do little things like create a strong gust of wind or a small portal to some place that we don't usually know where. Hey, I said she was practicing so get off her case!  
  
Like I was saying, we just got out of the movies with Emily, who also has a special gift. She has the power to see the future, sometimes. She can't really control it. But she doesn't help us fight the weird stupid forces that piss us off. She just warns us of whatever she sees. Anyway, we got out of seeing Spider-Man, you know about the guy who becomes cursed/blessed with the powers of a spider. PLEASE! Like a super hero is really like that.  
  
Jill was wearing her new hat, a bucket that used to contain the popcorn we enjoyed during the movie. We were talking and stuff. I like the word stuff. It's just so cool. Well we were talking about junk and all of a sudden, some sort of eerie wind blew. How else can I describe it besides a huge blast of foggish wind that practically choke the patootie out of you. Well I guess I could describe it better than eerie, but that's beside the point. Emily all of a sudden went into a "flashy phase". That's what we call it when she gets a premonition. She opened her eyes and said, " Holy shit! Look over there!" She had pointed to the right of us and we saw some jack-ass on a little hover-like thingy. I said, " It took a premonition for you to figure out that???!!!" Well apparently the premonition also told her that the hover thingy was causing the strange fog and was also going to burn away everything in it's way. She yelled at me and told me that. Then Jill said, " Oh my god!" I was like, " What's wrong with you?" and she was like, " My new hat!!" So I looked up and her hat was being eaten away by the acidic fog-like stuff.  
  
" Ok! Now I am pissed!" said Jill and at that moment she started to change into Dragon Witch. That's the half and half one. So I said, " Yeah, maybe, just maybe we should stop him. Considering the cops of Crapsville care more about donuts and how not to be shot up by the druggies than a hovering thingy destroying everything." So I concentrated on my costume and yelled, " TRANSFORM NOW!" and then.. And then.. Well nothing happened. Ya see, my imagination gets a bit too carried away and I think I can do things that I can't. Well, making my clothes change into my kick-ass costume is one of those things. So I did the next best thing. " Sir! Get your metallic ass down here this second!" And with that, my idiotic robot came out of the sky and landed on a car that had an alarm, a very loud alarm. I commanded my robot to give me my transformation watch. So he did. At that second Jir came as well. Ok, let me explain, Sir stands for Stephen's idiotic robot, and Jir, who is Jill's, stands for Jill's idiotic robot. We made them to aid us in the battle against..  
  
" PIZZA!!!!!!!!!" Sir yelled interrupting me. " I want pizza now!!!"  
  
"Fine! Go get your pizza! Here is a twenty, I no longer require your services." Hey I never said that they were perfect.  
  
Jill then told Jir to give her battle suit to her. Jir did as commanded and gave a bit of advice too, " Your skin is all scaly. You should try moisturizer." And, " I like pepperoni and tacos!"  
  
Jill replied, " Fine! Here is some cash. Go eat something and look inconspicuous." So, Jir and Sir got into there inconspicuous dog-like costumes. Hmm. Something about two dogs ordering pizza and tacos seems a bit suspicious. Maybe it's just me.  
  
Jill and I put on our super cool kick-ass battle gear and Emily went off somewhere. We always loose her. Anyway, Jill and I went off to show the jack-ass some DOOM! Well when we got there, it turned out the stupid villain was actually a jack-ass, a real donkey. He had a big head too. And he spoke. That seemed a bit weird.  
  
" MUWAHAHAHAHAHAA. You are the hero's? How stupid is this stupid place with a pair of stupid hero's with stuper-powers." He coughed up. Yes he did say stuper.  
  
" Ok dumb-ass! You destroyed my hat and I am pissed!" Dragon Witch exclaimed. You see, if you mess with something of Dragon Witch's, well you are asking for a ass whooping.  
  
So DW, my nickname for her, went at it and shot some fire balls, that had three cool-looking rings inside of them, at the donkey. She also made a bad ass ring around him to seal him in and so the deadly gas of stupidity wouldn't spread anymore. But somehow, the jack-ass put out the flames and the ring and laughed, " What a stupid trick! You are a stupid, stupid, dragon-like thing." Then he zapped her with some weirdo beam that paralyzed her. So it was my turn.  
  
First I waved my hands at him and blew up the beam-shooting thingy. Next, I went around and used some good old fashion telekinetic slaps in he's donkey-like face and oversized cranium. Then I went around and went to shoot a energy blast at him. I would kick his ass and blast him to hell, if I had the ability to shoot energy blasts. Once again I got carried away. He took the opportunity where nothing happened to shoot some sticky substance that smelled like dookie on me. Well I don't need wings to fly so I stayed in the air. That is, until he rammed me with his stupid hover machine. I feel next to DW and I was all ouchy-like. All hope seemed to be lost when he pointed his cannon at us which exposed the stupid gas. Then I heard DW say, " JIR! I HAVE PEPPERONI TACOS!" And then Jir and Sir came flying in and yelling viciously, " Where's the tacos!"  
  
" That ugly guy has them, and he won't give them to you until you blow up his machines." DW told the two nimrods. Of course they believed her and started to attack the hovering thingy. Well if DW and I couldn't be them than these two couldn't. They were quickly over-came by the donkey- like beast.  
  
"Sir! You ugly bucket of garbage! Can't you do anything right! Go and destroy the hovering thingy!" I yelled. Sir replied, " Yes, my master!" and actually looked like he was capable of beating the shit out of donkey face. I should have known better. Sir was quickly beaten and laid next to me. Then a taco came out of nowhere and landed a few feet away from Jir.  
  
" TACOO!!!!" Jir exclaimed and she quickly ran to the taco, only to be stopped by a beam that incinerated the taco mere seconds before Jir could enjoy it's fattening contents. Well me and DW know how Jir gets when her favorite stuff is destroyed. She sits there and cries about it.  
  
" HAHAHAHAHA! You stupid, dumb, stupid machine! Did I forget to mention stupid? You think you can enjoy a taco while I commence on destroying the place? I think not. I hate tacos and I will destroy whoever threw it!"  
  
The donkey breathed donkey was asking for it. You never diss tacos in front of Jir. The next thing we know, Jir had her fully destructive missile set with two gattling guns, a machine gun, three mini-missile launchers, two humungous missile packs and a little laser that is harmless but if you shine it in someone's eyes they could possibly go blind, out and ready to destroy. Jir yelled, " This is for you, young taco!" And Jir launched the ballistic barrage attack on king donkey-butt. It wasn't pretty and I won't go into detail, but I will say this, that was the most beautiful display of doom that I have ever seen. It brought tears to DW and mines eyes, or maybe that was the laser which passed by our eyes several times.  
  
Once Jir had let loose, there was nothing left of the idiotic donkey or his machine. It was GREAT! I think DW really did build a cool robot. I wonder what tomorrow will be like? And by the way, we found Emily later. She went to the bathroom because the Cherry Coke she had gave her the shits. But so was another boring day in Crapsville.  
  
  
  
YAY!!!! Well, there it was! Please, all reviews are welcomed.... mainly because if you flame the story, it's not offensive to me because I didn't write it! :D But I WILL be posting a few of my own. AND more of Stephen's. Just check this story title later, and look for a new chapter (but it will be like another story!) 


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